Acid Worms, by Betacandy (PG-13)

[figs_sg1_rec]

Rec Category: Humor
Pairing: none
Category: humor, gen, Teal'c, team
Warning: brief mention of nudity, unintended drunkenness
Author on LJ: Betacandy
Author's Website: Betacandy's SG-1 fic
Link: Acid Worms

Why This Must Be Read: Teal'c POV! Yay! Written by Betacandy, one of the reigning queens of gen fic! Double yay! :)

An older and wiser Teal'c reflects back on his very first mission with SG-1 on P3X-595, when Captain Carter “drank that stuff that made you take off your-” (The writers did realize that fanfic writers would seize on that single line of dialogue, didn't they?) Betacandy's choice of Teal'c as narrator makes this story especially fun, as we get to see SG-1's increasingly erratic behavior from the bemused POV of Teal'c-as-outsider. All the humans are adversely affected by the local hooch, although poor Sam is the only one to suffer from hallucinatory acidic worms infesting her clothing... and some overenthusiastic compliments to her teammates.

Not sure what's funnier - Teal'c's reaction to his first glimpse of a Tau'ri bra and Jack's subsequent gift subscription to Victoria's Secret as an "explanation," or the drunken dialogue between Jack and Daniel about a bottle of shampoo. Whatever your own preferences, though, you're bound to find this comic story to be a real gem.


“I believe you are intoxicated, O’Neill,” I informed him.

“Well, duh,” he snickered. “But I wanted to tell you-“

“Are you not concerned you will be unable to respond in the event of an attack?” I asked. I still found his actions as a commander troubling on this mission, even though I knew him to be extremely capable, resourceful and responsible. Normally.

“A little,” he acknowledged. “I can see how, maybe in hindsight, drinking that stuff maybe wasn’t in the very best interests of the mission, per se. But think of it this way.” He moved to stand beside me, put an arm around my shoulders, and gestured at the room before us with a sweep of his free arm. “Maybe this was necessary to cement an alliance with these guys. Maybe if we’d turned them down they’d have…you know, killed us where we sat. The point is, Teal’c, we’ll never know. We never know what the future holds, and that’s why it’s so important to take the time to, you know, when we have the time, and whether that’s on earth or on… here… hey, buddy, you know no matter what happens, I will never let Kennedy’s goons turn you into a lab rat. You will be neither Pinky nor the Brain. Promise.”

I bowed my head in thanks, and silently calculated my odds of success in knocking O’Neill unconscious if he became violent. O’Neill snickered, patted the top of my head, and walked away. I followed discreetly.

Captain Carter was dancing with three of the Tiernods on top of the long banquet table, and beaming as happily as Daniel Jackson had been. She did not notice O’Neill at first, so he just stood there for a moment, watching her. I found myself mesmerized by the normally somber scientist. She looked like a young girl, more carefree than I have ever seen her before or since.

When she finally noticed O’Neill, she grinned and jumped off the table to a spot mere inches from O’Neill’s feet. “Hi!” she shouted, snapping a salute.

O’Neill snickered. “At ease, Captain.”

“Awesome!” she replied, and threw her arms around his neck. The hug ended before a startled O’Neill could respond, and then she began weaving in front of him, dancing in place to the music. “I need to tell you something, sir.”

“’Okay,” he said.

“You,” she began, with as much gravity as she could muster while weaving and bobbing before her commanding officer, “are really, really cool.”